"Welcome to a new year at Hogwarts! Before we begin our banquet, I woud like to say afew words. And here they are: Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!" - Albus Dumbledore
Dear Harry,
Thanks for having such an interesting life. You entertain endlessly at your own expense, and we are grateful that your life has sucked so badly thus far. After all, where's the fun in just being a normal kid? Wouldn't be much of a story there.
Wouldn't we all love to just hop on a broomstick to beat the morning traffic to work, and who wouldn't like the ability to just wave a wand and fetch missing objects, talk to snakes, win Quidditch tournaments and transform your appearance to successfully infiltrate the enemy? It's very cool... a bit like being a Jedi without having to speak in backwards riddles and pretend you're all-knowing and wise. Blasting those pesky dark wizards looks like fun, too... and although I don't know any dark wizards personally, I can think of a couple people in my life I'd like to use that slug-barfing curse on. Or maybe just the tongue-tying curse so I could have a little peace and quiet at work for a day. Do you have a STFU curse I could try? Let me know.
But I have to point out a few things that have been bothering me. Nothing personal, but you've got a few issues. You're young, so I'm sure it will all work out. Hopefully by the end of this dreadfully long last book of your life story.
First, the martyr complex is starting to get a bit old. I know it's not your fault that the nastiest wizard in history has decided some strange mystical prophecy foretelling his own destruction is all about you. But prophecies are a funny thing... I think there's often only as much truth to them as you give them. Just because a dark wizard with a superiority complex and a strange snake fetish has decided you are the bane of his existence doesn't mean you have to buy into it as truth. But you did, so there's really not much to do about that now.
Second, people seem to keep dying around you. Again, not your fault. But the martyr complex combined with guilt is even more degrading in my opinion. I don't want to give away any details about current episode to anyone who may not have read it yet, but once again you're blaming yourself for the death of yet another very cool character (one of my favorites, actually. Damn your creator. She is a cruel and heartless woman, I fear). I suppose the angst is part of what appeals to folks in your age group, but really it isn't all that attractive in such large doses.
Although the death of the wonderfully Gandalf-ish Dumbledore was a particular tear-jerker... I suppose everyone has a soft spot for the old wizards with the best lines in these sorts of stories. After all... "to the well-organized mind, death is but the next great adventure."
(Dammit!!! I just ran across a spoiler online for the second major character who will die before the end of this book. When will I learn?)
Third, I find it amazing that there are no psychotherapists in the wizarding world, because you're a prime candidate. Dead parents, dead godfather, your only living relatives are your stupid, nasty, jealous and ultimately terribly abusive extended family... dude, in the Muggle world you'd be a classic poster child for every child abuse and welfare organization. Probably a drug addict or alcoholic to boot. I'm not sure of the alcohol content in butterbeer, but you do seem to like it a lot. No intervention program at Hogwarts that I've noticed, though. So maybe wizards are supposed to be immune to the more common ailments of Muggles? *shrug*
Fourth, you've got girls making themselves available all around you and all you do is silently bemoan your loneliness. What's your problem? Your geeky friend Hermoine seems to have reached the point of babehood. Your best friend's cute little redheaded sister is the epitome of sweet, and as I recall girls were slipping love potions into your chocolate during the last episode. I hope you don't spend the rest of your life as some kind of wizard-monk. Get married and go make some babies, for crying out loud.
And stop being such a dick to your friends. They've put their lives on hold for you, and you're seeming quite a bit less than grateful about it. And that temper tantrum in Dumbledore's office? Wow. "By all means, continue destroying my possessions, I daresay I have too many."
Lastly, stop being so damned noble. If a dark wizard gets in your face and aims a killing curse at you, lose the defense-only crap and get nasty. Disarming is a nice trick , stunning is better... but both leave your enemy healthy and capable of coming back for round two. They won't hesitate to turn you into a puddle of bubbling orange goo, so I suggest you make use of that nice nasty curse you learned from Snape's book last year and start removing body parts at the very least. Even if you don't want to kill them, a bit of permanent maiming might make them think twice about facing you again. This isn't Star Wars, and you won't fall to the dark side. Voldemort's already missing a nose and several portions of his soul anyway. Relieving him of an appendage or two wouldn't be such a crime.
All that being said, I applaud your creator JK Rowling for playing the classic rags-to-riches role and shamelessly cashing in on your misery. How many single welfare mothers working in coffee shops become super-wealthy international bestsellers almost overnight? She's living the life we unpublished writers can only dream of, and most of us don't even care much that her writing style and basic sentence structure makes us cringe from time to time. Perhaps she should fire her editors.
But thus far creativity has been the key, and I must admit her writing has improved drastically over the last three impressively-sized novels. Naturally, she is writing at her highest skill level as we arrive at the last stage of your story, and I'm not afraid to admit I'll miss it.
But I digress, and am taking time away from my reading. So as soon as the mundane muggle-ish tasks of grocery shopping and housecleaning are done, I will delve in again and by Monday be done with this series once and for all. I will also stay away from the internet until then as the bloody spoilers seem to be everywhere.
Good luck in your adult life, Harry. For your sake I do hope it is far less interesting than your adolescent one.
I haven't read the last book yet. I refuse to pay for a book I'm only going to read once. So I asked a friend at work what the basic plot was and who died. I was satisfied with the responses.
Already there is fanfiction out trying to rewrite the last book. God! what self wankery they've managed. I lol at the sporkings I read about the HP universe over at Deleterius (a Livejournal).
I think I may still look forward to reading the last book when I can borrow it from someone else.
Finished it. it's a good read, Graceful. Nice complex mysteries and all.
As for the character deaths, JK stated early on that there would be two major characters killed in this book. I'd say she was understating a bit.
Don't click below if you still intend to read it unspoiled.
Spoiler:
I count twelve named character deaths total (thirteen if you count Hedwig, the owl) A couple you could call minor characters, but all of them played an important part at some point.
Mad-Eye Moody
Hedwig
Rufus Scrimgeour
Dobby the House Elf
Peter Pettigrew
Crabbe
Fred Weasley
Remus Lupin
Tonks
Colin Creevey
Severus Snape
Bellatrix Lestrange
Voldemort
And George Weasley's left ear shouldn't be left out. Guess he was lucky he didn't lose his head. Pity about Fred... the Weasley twins were the spirit of Hogwarts for awhile.
Unlikely heroes: Mrs. Weasley (opened a serious can of whoop-ass on Bellatrix), Neville Longbottom (Didn't think he had it in him), Severus Snape (Loyal to the end - I knew it all along).
Well, anyone who wants to know the story but doesn't want to read all 750 pages... Wikipedia in all its glory has your standard accurate summary of the plot:
I'm yet to read it. Everytime I plan to buy myself a copy life gets in the way. Whether it be work, sport, or some irritating person, the books always darts away.
I will though. Only take me a day or two. And then, I will reveal the plot to all those around me. [Except for you guys, I'll have a dozen knives at my throat if I do.]
Re: Open Letter to Harry Potter
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