Posted in Archives on September 11th, 2008 by ArchAngel
Connor studied the flickering device he held in his hand carefully.
“Hope this thing is accurate…” He muttered as he looked up from the device and instead began to gaze at his surroundings.
To both his left and right stood poor and dirty stores, empty and silent. The only light given off was from a single street lamp on the left. Behind him were only houses, most of them rundown or abandoned. In front of him there was only the same. The Slums. It was almost surprising to him that he had not yet been assaulted or mugged; such was the nature of these areas. He knew that all too well.
He took another quick look at the device in his hand, noting the distance it’s screen indicated between him and the target he was looking for.
‘Forty feet…’He thought as he glanced about at his surroundings once more to make sure he was not followed. He then began to walk forward down the small and empty street, his footsteps echoing about him through the night air. Struggling to see through the impending darkness, he became dimly aware of an alley to his right, leading even further away from the light.
He checked the device once more, making sure he was headed the right direction. He was, and there was only 15 feet to his target now. Walking slowly now, he pocketed the device and instead drew his handgun from beneath his long, brown trench coat. Connor pulled back the hammer of the weapon, letting its loud click serve as a warning for anyone nearby. Then, with his free hand he reached for the small flashlight he always kept handy in his pocket and he let its small beam of light pierce through the darkness in front of him.
With his gun at the ready and the flashlight held in front of him, Connor began a silent approach towards where the target should be . His surroundings were also now visible that he had his flashlight and, while never allowing himself to look anywhere but where he was headed, he was aware that the alley he was in had been home to someone recently. He could smell it as well; cheap liquor. But there was something new as well, something very much out of place. The smell of death.
Connors’ body stiffened slightly and he raised his gun carefully, holding it close and steady, as he inched forwards. Finally, the beam of light emitted from his flashlight revealed the source of the blood and Connor took a sharp breath before moving closer. He took another quick scan of the narrow alley before crouching down over the body, positioning his gun on a nearby crate and drawing out a recording device.
Keeping the flashlight in hand, he clicked the ‘record’ button as he begun an inspection of the body.
“Victim is female… Current time… Ten-Thirty pm, based on body temperature time of death estimated at around eight, possibly even Nine pm,” Connor whispered to himself quietly. “Face intact as usual. Cranial deformation above the right ear, approximately two centimetres in diameter, one centimetre in height. Right and Left arms featuring identical deformations; excessive swelling of the triceps, bidirectional bending at the elbow, hand span of about thirty-five centimetres. Ribcage is extended to cover entire abdomen, appears to have formed incorrectly resulting in internal bleeding, possibly cause of death. Feet width of fifteen centimetres, length of Twenty-Five. Knees are also able to bend both directions… Victim features similar deformations as the others…”
Connor finished his monologue and reached forward with a gloved hand to raise the victims shoulder, bending further down to examine her back.
“This is new…” Connor resumed talking to himself. “Spine appears to have been enlarged to fill the entire back area. Still flexible, but well protected…”
Connor rolled her onto her back once more and reached into a pocket, drawing out a small, badly damaged wallet. Opening it revealed a measly sum of money, a poorly written note and ID. Connor quickly scanned the note but it was unimportant and so he returned it to its’ home and instead took out the Identification Card. It was an old photo and looked like it hadn’t been renewed in many years but Connor pocketed it all the same.
Taking one last look to make sure he had checked everything he needed to, he withdrew a small camera from inside his coat and took several quick pictures of the body before replacing the camera, retrieving his firearm and heading out of the alley to note the street name.
“Hiran Street…” Connor muttered as he punched in ‘911′ to his mobile and waited for it to connect. Several minutes and a curse upon technology later, Connor connected successfully.
“Hello? I’d like to report a murder. At the north end of Hiran Street, an alley on the right. Victim suffers several deformations.”
Before giving the operator a chance to respond, Connor hung up, dropped the phone on the ground and smashed it with his foot.
Looking around him once more, he breathed a heavy sigh and walked back down the street, away from the alley.
***
The cool night air brushed through Mark’s long fringe as he stepped out of the garage, the door automatically closing behind him. He stood still on the concrete drive, soaking in the night-time silence he was so rarely allowed to indulge himself in. His eyes ran over the street, the moon’s dim light played over the rows of two storey houses, each with their own well kept gardens, the bright flowers’ colours robbed from them by the starry night. Finally he turned to face his own garden; a simple green lawn, he didn’t have the time to look after it. It was a rare occasion he even slept at home. His job consumed most of his life, but he liked it that way, when he wasn’t working his mind left its stone cold state and returned to the more human side of him, and that’s when what he saw each day affected him.
Walking along the path, his hard soled shoes sending an echo deep into the night with each step, he ascended the stairs onto the porch and slipped his key into the lock, turning to take one last look at the beautiful scenery that spread across the moonlit cul-de-sac before he drew a final breath of the fresh air as he opened the door, stepping through into his unlit house.
Closing the door behind him with the flick of a heel he snaps the hall light on and moves into through the house, flicking lights on as he moves throughout the house. Finally reaching his bedroom he glances at the red display of the large clock mounted on the wall; 2257 it reads.
Mark slips off his suit jacket, folds it neatly in half and drapes it over the chair at his desk before moving to the whole body mirror nestled in the corner to undo his tie, he slips the black tie from his throat and casts it over the same chair as his jacket and sits down on the edge of his bed, the mattress moulding to his shape.
Wearily rubbing his eyes Mark tries to think how long it’s been since he spent a night at home; at least a week he concludes as untucks his white shirt from his black dress pants. With two fingers he undoes the top button and runs his fingers through his mid-length black hair.
The first chords of Paranoid by Black Sabbath began playing through the room and Mark grimaced as he got to his feet, shuffling over to his jacket and delving his hands into the right pocket he found his phone; glancing at the screen before sliding it open and putting it to his ear.
“Ellison.” He spoke flatly.
The room was almost silent as the man on the other side of the line spoke.
“Another one? Fucking kidding me.” He sighed heavily, “I’ll be there in twenty.”
Mark clicked the phone shut and slipped it into his pants pocket. Walking to the door he snatched his black hooded jumper from its hook and pulled it on over his head.
“Why the hell did I take this case?” he mumbled as he walked back through the house, headed for his car once more.
October 13th, 2008 at 5:06 pm
Oh niceh! I’m liking the new lay site.
Now I’ll just have to catch up on the last two chapters or so.
October 14th, 2008 at 6:37 pm
There are a few things I would like to point out - and on a sidenote, if my critique comes across as a little harsh, it’s nothing personal and I apologise in advance. Just because I’m not showering praises doesn’t mean I don’t think this is a good story - I’m sure you’ll get plenty of compliments (if you haven’t already) from others, so I’ll focus on other areas.
OVERALL CRITIQUE [If you only take one thing away from this, take this.]
Overall, this is a good first chapter - it sets the “base” for the rest of the story to build on.
My one complaint - you, like me, have a tendency to make your sentences overly long. Um, hello? A 69 word sentence..? Overly long sentences make it a bit confusing at times; the text would be a lot clearer if you split some of the sentences. Wen sentences are too long, your brain doesn’t get the “rest” it needs to be able to process the new information. Give information in small chunks, it makes life easier for the reader. As a general rule, I’d say 20-25 words max. [general is the key word there!]
That’s something you do throughout the whole chapter. It’s not necessarily a bad thing though - it’s a lot easier to shorten long sentences than it is to expand too-short ones.
Also, proofread a little more carefully? It’s pretty good overall, but there are still a few minor grammar errors - thing’s such as “it’s” and “its”, etc.
Nitpicking [“major”, or at least more major than minor?]-
“To both his left and right stood poor and dirty stores, empty and silent, the only light given off was from a single street light on the left.”
I already mentioned overly long sentences above, so this is the only example I’ll pick out from the text.
That sentence would fit better if it was broken up into two sentences. “To both his left and right stood poor and dirty stores, empty and silent. The only light given off was from a single street light on the left.” If you read it aloud, that sounds a lot smoother. Alternatively, you could have a hyphen or a semi-colon there, but I still believe it’d be better as two seperate sentences. However, it’s up to you two to decide.
“…noting the distance it’s screen indicated between him and the target he was looking for…”
It’s -> it is. Always.
Its -> possessive.
The English language generally puts ’s after nouns to make them the genitive case [possesive]. “It” however, is an exception to this rule; if you want to make it possessive, you write “its”. And yes, it’s a stupid rule, but it does make a strange kind of warped sense if you look at it this way - whenever you’re uncertain, “expand” the contraction. “… noting the distance it is screen indicated…” Does that make sense? Was that what you originally intended? If it’s no, then you’ve used the wrong one.
Pointing that out because you make that mistake a few times throughought the text.
Slightly, uh, dodgy sentences. [In other words – nothing grammatically wrong – they’re good sentences, but they could be better ones if you rephrased them as they sound a little awkward.]
“Behind him were only houses, most of them rundown or abandoned, and in front of him there was only the same.”
“…the target he was looking for; only 40 feet to the northeast.”
Nitpicking [minor - you don't have to fulfill every single suggestion here. *You* are the aurthors after all, not me.]
“Then, with his free hand”
The comma isn’t necessary.
“Connor began a silent approach to where his target should be.”
I think towards would be a better word to use instead of to.
“His surroundings were also now visible that he had his flashlight…”
Better phrased as “His surroundings were visible now that he had his flashlight…”
“He could smell it as well; cheap liquor.”
Verbosity. It could be phrased as “He could smell cheap liquor as well.” as that makes the exact same point, but is easier to read.
“…holding it close and steady, as he inched forwards.”
Comma not needed.
“Keeping the flashlight in hand, he began an examination of the body, clicking the ‘record’ button.”
“Keeping the flashlight in hand, he clicked the ‘record’ button before he began an examination of the body.”
“Ten-Thirty pm, based on body temperature time of death estimated at around eight, possibly even Nine pm,”
Fix up the punctuation there.
“Face intact as usual, cranial deformation…”
Could be split into two sentences.
“Feet with width of fifteen centimetres…”
The “with” is not needed.
“Finally he turned to face his own garden; a simple green lawn, he didn’t have the time to look after it.”
“Finally he turned to face his own garden - a simple green lawn - he didnt’ have the time to look after it.”
“It was a rare occasion he even slept at home.”
*rare occasion when he
“Closing the door behind him with the flick of a heel he snaps the hall light on…”
You forgot a comma.
Again, I’ll say this. These are only my suggestions/opinions, you don’t have to take them. Don’t feel pressured into changing anything - it is *your* story after all, and as the author you guys get the final say.
It’s a good chapter by the way, and I look forward to reading more [when I have the time.]
October 14th, 2008 at 7:59 pm
Oh, wow. THANKYOU.
I’ve no idea who you are, but i hope you do this for the other chapters as well!
As for the errors, most of them i’m aware of. That was the very first ‘full’ chapter i’ve actually written that wasn’t scrapped, so i was a but nubbish in those days. ‘Theoretically’ the later chapters should be mostly devoid of those, it’s just these first few where i was still sort of practicing.
Either way though, when i get less lazy/busy, i’ll sift through it and fix what i can.
once again, THANKYOU.
January 27th, 2009 at 12:38 pm
More adjective please and make sure it is linked in a way that makes a sentence flow.
January 27th, 2009 at 3:02 pm
I am not a critique but I dare say that this is a good beginning. It draws people into it. But you seemed to overuse the word ‘only’ in the first long paragraph or third paragraph. And its’ is either it’s or its.
Thankyou!
January 30th, 2009 at 8:19 pm
Excellent chapter guys
I never knew you had a blog for the fic XD